Idiots Guide to Gathering Info
by Robo the Hobo
Summary: Remnant is a dangerous place. Grimm rule the wilds and kingdoms crumble beneath the pressure of law. Wars start and end, people live and die, everyone trying to become strong. Well... not everyone. Follow the world's nosiest faunus as he gathers the secrets of humanity, helping and/or hindering those around him. Will his knowledge be enough to protect those he cares for?


**Rule 1: Don't Get Cocky**

* * *

 **Third Person**

* * *

The light flickered on.

A small area illuminated, the man was able to view the bindings that held him in place. Several long, sharp wires wrapped around his person, cutting slightly into his brown coat. Sweat began to dribble down the man's fat cheeks as he tried to free himself from the bindings, only managing to damage his clothing further.

Footsteps.

Someone was walking towards him.

Glancing around quickly, the man spotted a vague figure in the darkness. A distorted chuckle echoed around as the light flickered once again, before its radius shrank, leaving just the man's face in view, his obnoxiously large goatee stained with food.

Fear beginning to seep into the man's body, a voice echoed out from behind him.

"It's so nice to have you as my guest, Mr. Blanchard."

The voice was as warped as the previous chuckle, a slight british accent was noticeable. The tone this unknown person spoke in suggested his lack of care for the situation. It was as if he wasn't even taking it seriously.

Working up his courage, the newly dubbed Blanchard spoke up.

"Wh-who are you!? Why in your right mind would you kidnap a member of the council!? I could have you arrested in a moment!"

Near silence hung, Blanchard's heavy breathing being all one could hear. After a few moments, the voice spoke again, emerging right next to his ear.

"Who I am doesn't matter nearly as much as who _you_ are. Markus Jameson Blanchard, age 43, currently working as Vale's councilmen." Blanchard scoffed, this being publicly known.

"Current living relatives, Harry Blanchard, a police officer currently undercover in the Schnee Dust Company, using the codename 'Dopey', your brother." At this, the councilman's eyes widened. However, the voice gave him little time to reply as it continued.

"Mary Margaret Blanchard, currently attending medical school, your daughter. Other relatives are either deceased or soon to be."

Suddenly, he began thrashing around in his seat, angry with the unknown speaker. As he struggled, the wires dug through his clothing and bit into flesh, causing him to wince in pain. A sharp pain echoed through the back of Blanchard's head, causing him to cease his movements. Looking forwards, hatred in his eyes, he spoke.

"H-how do you… My private life… If you lay a finger on my daughter I swear i'll-"

"You will do what? Thrash around some more? Please don't kid yourself. Instead, you should consider yourself fortunate i'm giving you the chance to save her."

With this, desperation began to flood into Blanchard's mind, causing him to plead.

"I'll do anything! Just don't fucking hurt my daughter!"

The distorted voice chuckled once again, footsteps now audible, slowly seeming to get closer.

"Don't worry, you don't have to do much."

The figure's movements become visible in the darkness, though their features remain obscured.

"All I want you to do…"

The footsteps stop, right before the chair.

"...is tell me…"

Slowly emerging from the darkness, a scarred face comes into view, eyes and mouth stitched shut.

"... _everything_."

* * *

 **First Person**

* * *

So, a couple of people have been telling me that I really need to be more relatable if I want to make friends.

So, let's give this a shot.

You guys ever been issued a mission to gather information on one of the most dangerous people in Remnant, and proceeded to completely bugger it up?

...Man I suck at this 'being relatable' thing.

Oh, you wanna know more about that whole 'mission impossible' thing I just mentioned? I'm sure i'll get around to it eventually.

Anyway, what else is there to making friends…

...Actually, who am I even talking to?

A hand was rubbing against me as I was slowly roused from my sleep. I grumbled softly as it began pushing at my back, desperate to wake me.

"Uuurgh…" I moaned out, my eyes opening slightly and my stumped arm reaching out to shove away whoever was disturbing my wondrous sleep. Light footsteps could be heard as they moved closer to my head seemingly reaching for something. "...five more minu-" The curtain opened, sun shining into my blurry vision, hurting my eyes. I'd say I recovered from the pain gracefully.

"AAAGH! SUNLIGHT! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!" I yelped out as I clamped my right hand over my eyes, rolling around in pain before falling from my bed, head first.

I stiffened (get your mind out of the gutter) when a hand was suddenly felt grasping my vulpen tail. Moving my only hand away slowly, I caught sight of…

...oh god dammit not again.

"Neo… it's too damn early for this. You could've at least waited 'till I had a cuppa."

The pink and brown haired girl gazed down at me, a wry smile on her face, as she began stroking my tail, running her hand through its steel blue hair. As she continued, she began to blush. Now why would she…

...Oh, i'm only in my underwear.

Quickly getting to my feet, I shoved the illusionist from my bedroom, slamming the door behind her. "I swear to oum, if you come back in, i'm eating your ice-cream!" With that said, I made my way over to the wardrobe, and began dressing myself.

Stepping out of my room, I looked over to the apartment's kit-

I forgot about hygiene.

I re-entered my room, shutting the door behind me as I entered my personal bathroom.

Alright, this time when I stepped out of my room, I was ready for the day.

Following the short, definitely not rushed cleaning (It's a pain in the ass to get shampoo out of your tail), I had re-attached my cybernetic arm, connecting it to the remains of my left arm, ending just above what was once an elbow. From there, getting dressed was easier. I donned a pair of steel grey cargo pants (with a hole in them for my tail), ending just above my fluorescent black socks. A light grey, long sleeved shirt ended by my waist, covering the top of the aforementioned cargo pants. I had managed to wash my steel-blue hair, avoiding getting soap in my heterochromatic eyes (left eye steel-blue, right eye hazel-blue).

Anyway, I made my way to the apartment's kitchen, spotting Neo seated at the table, a tub of cookie-dough ice cream before her, spoon currently in her mouth. Noticing me approaching, she swallowed way too much ice cream at once, blinking momentarily before clutching her head and rolling on the floor.

Ladies and gentlemen, my roommate.

Apparently, Torchwick didn't trust me, considering what I know, and one day decided to drop his partner off here to live with me.

Oh, and kill me if I revealed anything that could be considered dangerous for them. And let me say, it's been hard, considering my job.

Wait, you don't know my job, do ya?

It's nothing special, I'm just an information broker with secrets on nearly everyone and everything in Vale, and many other things across Remnant.

Here's the thing about being an info broker. If you don't know something, you're fucked. So, I made it my job to not only gather the secrets of the city, but prevent others from retrieving them too. After all, why would I want competition? Plus, nobody else is willing to go as far as I am to get the info I ne-

Wait, I smell tea.

The elegant aroma of Earl Grey brought me out of my internal monologue, making me take notice of the mug before me, my roommate pouting at me.

Chuckling lightly, I pat her head and took a quick sip, allowing the flavor (and caffeine) to rejuvenate me. "Oh mighty Tea Queen, your gratitude shan't be forgotten soon. Ye shall be receiving more ice-cream by this eve." I said, my slight British accent being exaggerated, working well with my baritone voice, and the facetious tone it was almost always spoke in.

Neo grinned smugly as I sipped at my tea, pulling out my scroll to check which information needed updating, and any clients looking for me. Quickly navigating through several screens to my personal storage, I scanned my fingerprint to allow my access.

And then I scanned my retina… And spoke for the voice-recognition software.

What? You can never be too careful.

Back to the point at hand, after a few minutes of checking my data, I paused, my hand clutching my face as I let out a sigh.

It was that time of the year.

I had to get info on Professor Ozpin.

You see, for the last three years, I've set aside a certain date to look into the staff of Beacon Academy. I had expected to be finished after the first year. After all, it was surprisingly easy to get information on Peter Port, since the man was so absorbed with his classes that he didn't notice me copying all files from his personal scroll.

Bartholomew Oobleck was slightly more difficult, considering his speed, but I got my chance while he was in classes, rummaging through his belongings and copying what info I could, which was more than enough.

I had expected it to be quite hard to get info on Glynda Goodwitch, but it seemed she was unusually lax with her secrets. While I had initially believed the facts found, I later considered their retrieval much too easy, and managed to acquire the real ones the next year, after an exhausting amount of search.

Ozpin however, I had bugged his room, placed viruses into his scroll, added sleeping medication to his coffee, and yet everything I did seemed to fail. There was simply no way into his office without being caught.

This year, however, would be different. Two days from now, this year's students would be taking their entrance 'exam', which should give me the perfect chance to enter the professor's office and take whatever I need.

A snapping of fingers brought me out of my plotting, making me notice my roommate by the apartment's door, waving to me before leaving. With that, I checked the time.

11:00 AM, fifteen minutes until I would need to be gathering information on the new students.

Getting up and finishing my tea (before making some more and taking it with me in a flask), I walked over to the best (only) sofa in the apartment, grabbing the brown belt coat that was strewn across it. Quickly putting it on, I fastened only the top belt, leaving the rest to hang freely, before reaching for something in it's pockets. Pulling out a bandana, I quickly fastened the steel-blue plaid fabric around my neck, finishing off my outfit before making my way to the door.

As I was heading out, I quickly remembered my cover, prompting me to turn to a small stand by the wall, grabbing the elegantly crafted acoustic guitar that lay upon it. Made from the same material as most hunter weaponry, it had highly durable strings, which was probably a good thing considering I also used them for my… erm… 'Interviews'.

Hanging it over my shoulder by it's strap, I let out a sigh before opening the door and heading out, locking it shut behind me.

* * *

 **Third Person**

* * *

She was finally there.

Ruby Rose had earned her place in Beacon Academy two years early.

There were probably many words that could have been used to describe how she felt, but she couldn't think of any as she familiarized herself with Vale, walking through it's streets so she would know where to go for supplies.

And so she wandered, making her way across the city, taking in the sights (despite the fact that she's already seen them. Multiple times.), before stopping at a nearby park, taking a seat as she looked over to the children's playground, reminiscing on the times she had spent there with her childhood friends.

She barely even noticed the calming acoustic music in the background, coming from an elegantly crafted guitar wielded by a heterochromatic faunus.

As he played, the guitarist pulled a scroll from his pocket, opening the camera app and taking a picture of the 15 year old, unbeknownst to her.

Now, while many who did this would have disgusting ideas, the faunus merely checked his database for anything he had on the girl, seeing what he could potentially gather from interaction with her.

His song coming to a close, he began to get to his feet when he heard footsteps approaching him from the left.

Taking a quick glance revealed a tall boy, same age as the faunus, in gold trimmed, light grey armor, and with combed back, burnt-orange hair. From the cocky grin on his face, he seemed like he was going to enjoy whatever he was about to do.

Without the chance to check his database for information on the teen, the guitarist merely sighed as the towering boy stopped next to him.

"Well, what've we got here? Does the mutt think that if he can do human stuff, people'll think he's one of them?" the cocky teen spoke, obviously trying to aggravate the faunus.

Of course, he was mildly surprised when the vulpen teen chuckled lightly turning to the tall boy with a grin on his face. "Gotta say, Mr I-Walk-Around-In-Full-Armor-For-No-Reason, I haven't heard that one before. Most racists just come up and tell me to bugger off, so this is a pleasant change."

His cocky grin now lessened slightly, the brute got closer to the guitarist, getting right up into his face. "Then I guess i'll have to be more clear."

With that, his hand reached to the mace strung to his back, bringing it around and slamming it down towards bench the faunus was resting upon. The heavy metal slamming against the wood, the seat beside good ol' Mr Fox splintered, drawing the attention of everyone in the area, including the young huntress. His voice now more of a growl, the teen continued. "Go, Away."

At this point, most people in place of the vulpen would flee the scene, giving the mace wielder the win.

Unfortunately (for someone, i'm sure), this vulpen wasn't most people.

Yawning loudly, he rose from the bench, before clutching the guitar in both hands, swinging it widely.

Ruby, the helpful girl she was, happened to be approaching as this happened, but stopped in her tracks when she saw the faunus smash the concrete beside the taller boy, the ground cracking as he looked the mace wielder directly in the eye. An audible gulp emerged from the taller boy as he looked at the damaged floor, sweat dripping down his face.

"I was just having a lovely time in the park, practicing my music, when you decided it would be a good idea to approach an innocent bystander, and threaten them, not even knowing what they're capable of. I must say, you really didn't think this through. Now, can ya do me a favor, and bugger off?"

With that, the armored boy finally moved, shocked by the force behind the faunus' swing. Taking several steps back, all eyes in the area turned to him as he ran away. "You better watch your back, freak! I'll get you next time!"

Sighing in relief that the situation ended, Ruby returned her gaze to the faunus boy-

Only to find him gone.

The only trace that he had ever been there was the damaged concrete, several cracks sticking out from the impact zone.

Confused, the girl continued her day, putting the incident behind her.

* * *

 **First Person**

* * *

Infiltration successful.

Two days had passed after the incident in the park, and I'd been researching any and all hunters and huntresses spotted that day, until it came time for my fourth attempt.

Sneaking through the crowds of students had been surprisingly easy, considering i'd spent the last ten years of my life honing my stealth skills. There were several close calls, the most notable while passing the cafeteria, another student spotting me.

Her brown rabbit ears stuck up as she walked out, eyes darting around before spotting me out of uniform. Approaching me slowly, she had asked me why I was walking around in this clothing. Naturally, as if it was my true intention, I had replied that I was going to Miss Glynda's classroom to practice combat with my partner, who I was supposed to meet there.

I was either a really good liar, or she was gullible, because she dropped the subject moments later and continued on her way.

Continuing my plan, I made my way to Beacon Tower, the building being surprisingly witness-free. Quickly grabbing one of my nifty plectrums, I inserted it into the lock, along with Neo's favorite hair-clip (she'll forgive me later), working on breaking into the tower. Oddly enough, the process was quite easy. Looking at the hair-clip and plectrum, a surge of pride welled up within me as I realized how much i'd improved over the years. Sneaking into the tower, I moved into the elevator, closing the door behind me but not activating it.

Grabbing the guitar on my back, I pushed it upwards against a small panel on the elevator's ceiling, eventually feeling it give way. Climbing my way up into the elevator shaft, I looked around for some handholds, quickly finding the ladder that's usually located in these for emergencies.

It took about five minutes to reach the floor of Ozpin's office, though I didn't stop there. Climbing up further, I opened up a ventilation shaft, leaving my guitar on a small ledge as I clambered in.

Did I ever mention that I hate air vents?

Well now you know.

They're the worst.

The amount of grime that accumulated on my clothes whilst crawling through them was going to be a pain to clean out, but it would have been worth it.

Finding the right room, I unscrewed the vent panel, silently rolling into the office of the most illusive man in Vale.

I was finally here.

Alone.

Moving towards his desk, I quickly tapped on its surface, activating the holographic display.

Okay, time to work my magic. Typing quickly, I opened the computers console, hacking into the core files, altering several processes before finding the password.

b3acon#.

That is a dumb password, but hell, i'm not complaining. Quickly linking my scroll to the console, I began searching through the professor's personal files, copying each and every one of them onto my scroll, before reversing the process I had taken to gain access to the data. Closing the display, I looked down into my hands, at the scroll I clutched.

That scroll contained the most valuable information in the criminal world. Information on the most unpredictable, secretive man in Remnant.

I couldn't help it. I began laughing.

Starting out as a chuckle, it eventually progressed into what you would expect from a stereotypical evil scientist, a mysterious cackle that threatened to shake the building's foundations.

Snorting, I began to walk across the room, making my way to the air vent I entered through, grabbing my guitar as I entered the ve-

Wait…

I'd left my guitar outside the vent, in the elevator shaft. But if it was here, then that meant…

Turning around, I found myself surrounded by the staff of Beacon Academy, some of the most powerful hunters in Remnant.

And in the center of them stood Ozpin, a grin wide on his face as he sipped away at his coffee.

I looked across at them, standing completely still, my outfit still incredibly stained, before saying what anyone else in that situation would think.

"Oh. Bugger."

* * *

 **Author Notes**

 **So, this is a thing.**

 **Hello people of the RWBY Fandom, I am Rob0lax. You can call me Robo.**

 **Apologies in advanced for writing this story. (Loljk live with it)**

 **In the world of Remnant, everyone seems focused on becoming powerful through combat, building armies, gathering supplies, conquering kingdoms.**

 **However, there was one thing everything lacked, that would have made those actions much easier.**

 **Information.**

 **And so, here we have my little faunus baby, Remnant's most allusive Information Broker, setting up for what (hopefully) will be a not disappointing story.**

 **...**

 **...It'll probably be disappointing.**

 **Anyway, Thank you for reading this terrible story, and I hope to see you whenever I publish the next chapter. ETA - Sometime between now and 2020.**

 **Your Not Favorite Writer,**

 **Robo the Hobo.**


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